Oh how I have missed writing! Our precious laptop decided to not keep a charge for long, and also the power cable is messing up, so I have been absent for various reasons. There are so many things to catch up on. As most of you know, we have a new addition to our family, as well as a tragic loss. Isn't it funny how sometimes these things are intertwined? In March of this year, my grandmother Anna, was admitted to the hospital. She had internal bleeding, including in her brain. At the same time, I started having what the midwife called "Prodromal" labor. Basically, I was in limbo between going into active labor and just being miserable. For two weeks things were up and down. My mamaw would get a little better, so would my labor. Then she would get worse, and so would I. The midwife kept telling me that something was holding me back, I was somehow keeping myself from going into labor. I didn't tell her about my grandmother. It was something that I didn't want to, couldn't, wrap my head around. I was scared. I was scared of a life with out her. I was heartbroken because I knew she wouldn't get to a part of my little girl's life. I was also scared that if/when she passed away, I would go into labor, and I wouldn't have my mother with me when I desperately needed her. (Yes, I'm one of those women that needs mommy when having a baby) All these thoughts and emotions were flowing through me and nothing I could say or do would fix the situation. See, I'm a fixer. I'm a control freak. Yet there was nothing about this situation that I could control. I couldn't control my grandmother's health. I couldn't control when or where I would go into labor. I couldn't control life. I had a few moments, not pretty moments, but the kind that include tears and anger and all out pity parties. Then, I said "heather, pull it together, suck it up." I think I had a small epiphany that day, because suddenly things seemed much clearer to me. I needed to let go of all the things I couldn't control and take charge of the things I could. 1) I had to let go and let God. Boy was this one a doozie. But, with Jake's support and love, I went to see my grandmother one last time. It was such a bitter sweet visit. She knew who we were and was so excited that we were there. She held Jake's hand for most of our visit, and when she wasn't, she was rubbing my belly. I fed her jello, and we joked about how it would stick to the spoon. After being there for about an hour, she started drifting in and out of conscientiousness. We finally decided it was time to go and let her sleep. We told her how much we loved her, but I never once said goodbye. I don't believe in goodbye. That is one thing that I was able to cling to, that blessed hope; my grandmother was unwavering in her faith in God and in her own salvation. As much as it hurt to see her that way, the knowledge that she would be healed and in no more pain was an awesome thought. 2)I had to learn to let It be Once I let go and let God, everything else just fell into place. I had a peace, an understanding. I had hope. Suddenly, everything that had shadowed and tormented me for weeks, stopped. I was no longer in fear. I knew that no matter what, things would work like they should. The fear of losing my grandmother was replaced with an almost excitement to think that she would be reunited with my grandfather(s). The sorrow that she would never get to hold MY baby girl was replaced with a sweet thought that she would get to meet all the babies that we never got to meet, or that we didn't get to see grow up. 3)Never underestimate God, and have no regrets. Mamaw was moved back to the nursing home, to her own room for her last days. Hospice was called in, and they made her comfortable. She lost her ability to communicate, and for the most part was in a coma. My mother was torn between being there, and being scared to leave me. (My contraction were getting incredibly strong but irregular at this point) I started feeling anxious again. Partly because I knew deep down I was getting ready to have my baby, and also because I had a huge regret. See, when Jake and I went to the hospital, it was my intention to tell mamaw our baby's name. But I waited to long during our visit, and she was incoherent when we left. I don't know why I waited. I think its probably one of those control things again... So, I decided to call my Aunt Elaine (the one who keeps secrets) and have her tell Mamaw the baby's name. (It was obviously a secret if you didn't figure that out by now) My family was all there with mamaw singing and praying with/for her. Aunt Elaine sent everyone out of the room, then she told her. When she did, Mamaw smiled. She heard her and understood. Even in a state that said she might not be able to understand, in a condition that incapacitated her, she was able to understand and communicate. A smile to me, is worth a million words. Mamaw wanted so badly to meet our baby. She loved all babies, but her grand-babies were her life. 4) Goodbye and Hello, Entertaining Angels Unaware... On Wednesday, March 14th, around 8pm I started having super contractions. The kind that make you want to stop breathing, contractions. (and maybe say a few choice words) Little did I know that at that moment my mamaw was slowly, but peacefully slipping from our grasp and into God's. I got a call around 8:30pm or so, and it was like everything suddenly started happening. I had a mission. Have a baby.