Oh how I have missed writing! Our precious laptop decided to not keep a charge for long, and also the power cable is messing up, so I have been absent for various reasons. There are so many things to catch up on. As most of you know, we have a new addition to our family, as well as a tragic loss. Isn't it funny how sometimes these things are intertwined? In March of this year, my grandmother Anna, was admitted to the hospital. She had internal bleeding, including in her brain. At the same time, I started having what the midwife called "Prodromal" labor. Basically, I was in limbo between going into active labor and just being miserable. For two weeks things were up and down. My mamaw would get a little better, so would my labor. Then she would get worse, and so would I. The midwife kept telling me that something was holding me back, I was somehow keeping myself from going into labor. I didn't tell her about my grandmother. It was something that I didn't want to, couldn't, wrap my head around. I was scared. I was scared of a life with out her. I was heartbroken because I knew she wouldn't get to a part of my little girl's life. I was also scared that if/when she passed away, I would go into labor, and I wouldn't have my mother with me when I desperately needed her. (Yes, I'm one of those women that needs mommy when having a baby) All these thoughts and emotions were flowing through me and nothing I could say or do would fix the situation. See, I'm a fixer. I'm a control freak. Yet there was nothing about this situation that I could control. I couldn't control my grandmother's health. I couldn't control when or where I would go into labor. I couldn't control life. I had a few moments, not pretty moments, but the kind that include tears and anger and all out pity parties. Then, I said "heather, pull it together, suck it up." I think I had a small epiphany that day, because suddenly things seemed much clearer to me. I needed to let go of all the things I couldn't control and take charge of the things I could. 1) I had to let go and let God. Boy was this one a doozie. But, with Jake's support and love, I went to see my grandmother one last time. It was such a bitter sweet visit. She knew who we were and was so excited that we were there. She held Jake's hand for most of our visit, and when she wasn't, she was rubbing my belly. I fed her jello, and we joked about how it would stick to the spoon. After being there for about an hour, she started drifting in and out of conscientiousness. We finally decided it was time to go and let her sleep. We told her how much we loved her, but I never once said goodbye. I don't believe in goodbye. That is one thing that I was able to cling to, that blessed hope; my grandmother was unwavering in her faith in God and in her own salvation. As much as it hurt to see her that way, the knowledge that she would be healed and in no more pain was an awesome thought. 2)I had to learn to let It be Once I let go and let God, everything else just fell into place. I had a peace, an understanding. I had hope. Suddenly, everything that had shadowed and tormented me for weeks, stopped. I was no longer in fear. I knew that no matter what, things would work like they should. The fear of losing my grandmother was replaced with an almost excitement to think that she would be reunited with my grandfather(s). The sorrow that she would never get to hold MY baby girl was replaced with a sweet thought that she would get to meet all the babies that we never got to meet, or that we didn't get to see grow up. 3)Never underestimate God, and have no regrets. Mamaw was moved back to the nursing home, to her own room for her last days. Hospice was called in, and they made her comfortable. She lost her ability to communicate, and for the most part was in a coma. My mother was torn between being there, and being scared to leave me. (My contraction were getting incredibly strong but irregular at this point) I started feeling anxious again. Partly because I knew deep down I was getting ready to have my baby, and also because I had a huge regret. See, when Jake and I went to the hospital, it was my intention to tell mamaw our baby's name. But I waited to long during our visit, and she was incoherent when we left. I don't know why I waited. I think its probably one of those control things again... So, I decided to call my Aunt Elaine (the one who keeps secrets) and have her tell Mamaw the baby's name. (It was obviously a secret if you didn't figure that out by now) My family was all there with mamaw singing and praying with/for her. Aunt Elaine sent everyone out of the room, then she told her. When she did, Mamaw smiled. She heard her and understood. Even in a state that said she might not be able to understand, in a condition that incapacitated her, she was able to understand and communicate. A smile to me, is worth a million words. Mamaw wanted so badly to meet our baby. She loved all babies, but her grand-babies were her life. 4) Goodbye and Hello, Entertaining Angels Unaware... On Wednesday, March 14th, around 8pm I started having super contractions. The kind that make you want to stop breathing, contractions. (and maybe say a few choice words) Little did I know that at that moment my mamaw was slowly, but peacefully slipping from our grasp and into God's. I got a call around 8:30pm or so, and it was like everything suddenly started happening. I had a mission. Have a baby.

Life goes on...

This past weekend I was able to get away for a friends graduation. It was a much needed break, even though it was only a day and a half. However, all good things must come to an end, and on my way home Jake let me know that Ryan was sick. So, back to reality for me, and back to the Dr. for Ryan. Sunday and Monday he ran a fever all day. If the motrin wore off, it would spike to almost 102. Monday night his fever broke and we assumed that he probably had a viral infection, but decided we should take him the Dr anyway, just to make sure. An hour in the office and one throat swab later we were informed that he has strep throat. Not fun. So, then it was off to WONDERFUL wally world, where Ryan and I had to wait an hour and a half to get his medicine. For whatever reason, they had it in their system to not fill it until the next morning. So, that was adjusted to immediately. Then, they stopped filling it because someone thought they were out of it, but they didn’t page me to tell me this. They waited until I came back 45mins later (as I was instructed to do) to let me know there was a problem. As I am talking with the lady, it comes up on their screen that it was a mistake and they are going to finish filling it. (UGH!) I was told to come back in 10-15mins. Which I did, and it still wasn’t ready. Finally we got the meds and came home. It was a long afternoon and Ryan and I were both very tired and cranky. We ate supper and he went to bed. Then I treated myself to oreos and milk. J Talk about therapy! LOL! Things should start to get back to normal on Thursday. I can go back to work, and he can go back to preschool. Woohoo! I did need a break, but I hate that Ryan being sick was the cause of it. I’m just glad that he is getting better, and that we didn’t wait on the dr appt. Here’s to a better rest of the week, and a great weekend. (can’t wait to see you Leigh!)

One day at a time

Today was a much better day for me. I took control of several things that had been bugging me and as a result had a very productive day; I was able to lighten my work load for tomorrow by accomplishing several tasks today. :-)

Tonight, as soon as our little bedtime routine was finished, I gave Ryan a kiss and walked out. It only took about 10mins for him to fall asleep. He did get out of bed, but he didn't come out of his room. I am hoping that he will sleep well tonight. Last night he ended up sleeping with me because of the storms.

Those pesky molars are making his gums swell again, so I gave him some tylenol and also some allergy meds he needed. Maybe that will help him out. And now I remember that I forgot the anbesol...not good. Anyway, I am enjoying sitting on the couch in the dark, in the quite, typing.

I think that in some ways I am much like a child. I get overstimulated easily. Jake doesn't understand it. On the weekends, he will get up and turn on music first thing in the morning. Some mornings it drives me crazy! But, I try not to complain. He is a person that needs constant stimulation. (wow that sounds dirty! LOL!) Whether it be the ipod, the radio, the tv, or a movie, he has to have interaction. I, on the other hand, could go all day without any sound at all. To me it is wonderful to be in the quiet. I have enjoyed sitting on one of the sun porches at work lately for this very reason. I can crack the door to the outside, and listen to the wind chimes and the water fountain. Now that is awesome; Those are sounds I love. If I could find a CD of just those sounds, I would probably play it all the time!
Anyhow, In short, my day was good. Here's to a great tomorrow.

Life

For the past while, almost a year to be honest, I have been feeling very overwhelmed and on the verge of burning out. I've always been a slightly depressed person, with a tendency to be doom and gloom. I've tried really hard to change that aspect of my life, and for a few years (aka: at the beach) I thought I was able to work on it. I realize now that I wasn't really working on anything and simply redirecting my attention to other things and people.

Last year I lost a very dear friend and as a result everything that I had worked so hard to push down, started coming back to the surface. I have never lost anyone that meant so much to me. For months I cried myself to sleep. Even after I pulled it together and started to move on, I just wasn't the same. I realized in the past month that I am tired all the time,I don't want to do anything social, I am not happy, and as a result it has caused me to be really snippy with Jake, and even Ryan.

I have thought and thought about how I can fix this, how can I work on my life. I feel ridiculous. I have absolutely NO reason to be like this. There is no reason to feel like I do. Everything in our lives right now is good. We live in a decent house, in a half decent neighborhood. We both have good jobs. Our son is healthy and is in a great preschool. We've had some car issues, but who hasn't? We are paying down debt, all our bills get paid on time, and we have a little extra money for fun stuff. So, with all this in mind, I have decided to change a few small things and see if it helps.

Starting tonight, Ryan will be going to bed at 8 and by himself. Lately, he has been going to bed too late and I have been sitting in the room until he goes to sleep. This only allows me about 30mins to myself in the evening. I realize that I need some "ME" time. I need to unwind and just relax a little. Maybe by doing this I will go to bed a little earlier too...maybe.

I changed some eating habits, although you wouldn't know it from this past weekend! LOL
As a result I have lost weight, and feel better about myself physically at least.

I want to start exercising, if I can find the energy and motivation. (Its hard to do it alone...)

I also wanted to share this with my friends, because I know that you guys are my ultimate support group. We may not hang out, or talk on the phone, but I have always received solid advice and words of encouragement from you guys. (except that one stranger who sent me nasty comments about ultrasounds....)

Anyway....if you have any advice, please share! And, if you don't that is ok too.

I'm Back!

Someone recently mentioned that they missed reading my blog. :-) I explained that I have a new policy that if I have nothing nice to say, I don't say anything at all. (Or write) But, I think that I should start writing again because I do have positive things to say, and quite frankly, it will do me good. Writing has always been an outlet for me, and at one time I wrote everyday. Some times I would write a rant, sometimes I would write poetry, other times fiction. In truth, I have become lazy. It takes effort to write something intelligent, and after a long day at work I just want to sit on the couch and facebook while watching TV. In many ways that full blown addiction we call FB'ing, has ruined my creativity and has turned my brain to mush. Yet, I have it open right now in another tab so I can switch back and forth and make sure that no one has posted something new. Anyway, this isn't a rant blog...lol! This blog is simply to catch up. To let you know what has been going on in our lives for the past...oh lets just say year.
For those of you who keep up via different methods, you know that we moved back to Albemarle, and Jake was unemployed. Last May Jake did get a new job, not the best but a job none the less. He wasn't really happy with the job, and a month later he had a call back (for the second time) for another job. He took that job and has been very happy there ever since. It was HUGE relief for all of us. We were fortunate that he was only without a job for about 9mo. Many people have had to go much longer.
I am still working for my parents in the home. Each day holds a new challenge. I have taken on several new responsibilities in the past few months, and while it isn't always easy to get everything done it has been rewarding to see us accomplish our financial goals. I am still playing the piano for Ridgecrest Presbyterian (going on 1.5yrs), and am very happy there. We average around 25ppl each Sunday, and everyone is related. :-) It is great. I love how everyone gets along and works for a common goal.
Ryan turned 2yrs this past October, and he is so busy all the time. I think at least once a day that there is NO way he could get anymore wide open, but he proves me wrong every time! He is growing by leaps and bounds, and insists on trying to give me a heart attack at least once per day. His new favorite thing to do it jump. He thinks he is invincible, and gets hurt constantly. The poor kid takes after me in that category. His language gets better and clearer everyday. Although, I think I have learned his language because everyone asks me to interpret. He thinks that poop is the funniest thing ever and makes jokes about it. Grass is a delicacy and Hank is his best friend. He is ALL boy. :-)
Well, that about sums us up! Stay tuned, I am going to try to do an update at least once a week...

Strange Feelings...

Tonight Ryan is staying with my parents. This is the first time that he has ever been away from us all night. It is a really strange feeling. I'm not sure whether I should feel happy, because I am going to get good rest, or sad because I miss him so bad. I thought I was ready for this "big step." But, I had to fight tears all the way home! It was kind of a last minute decision, so I think that has contributed to my anxiety. It just doesn't seem normal for him not to be here playing and singing and talking. I'm glad I will see him tomorrow morning. :-) I know that this is a good thing, and will allow Jake and I to take the occasional weekend away in the future. Now, lets just hope that my parents are able put him to bed on time, so we don't have a problems for the next few days. I came home and got his blanket, pillow, teddy bear, PJ's, toothbrush, and story book. :-) He could have probably gone without any of those thing, but it made me feel better. I hope my parents know what they have signed up for! He is a VERY early riser. I warned them, but I don't think they really understand how early 6am is...

TP

Last night I realized that we were dangerously low on TP. So, I texted Jake, who was at his grandma's, to bring home a roll. Then I called him to make sure he got the text. Then, before I went to bed, I texted him again. Guess what people? This morning I get up, and there is NO TP in the house. Yeah. How can you forget when you are reminded 3 times???!!! Seriously???!!! UGH!

On a lighter note I had the funniest thought last night. I had just finished reading a book, and looked down an noticed that I was using TP as a book mark. :-) (You know you have done it too) Well, I thought, "I might better save that for later." LOL! Then I just started laughing on the couch. You know you are really pushing it with the TP when you are considering using the 2 squares of it you just used for a bookmark...