Being pregnant is definitely going to be a challenge; challenging physically, and mentally. I am doing much better mentally in thanks to all my wonderful friends that have been so supportive and encouraging. Not to mention Jake who has been so supportive and loving. But, I am finding that I am being challenged on a completely different mental level now. I am so emotional/hormonal that I don’t know what to do! I feel so bad for Jake sometimes. I seriously will bite his head off over nothing. And, I cry at the drop of a hat. It doesn’t matter what it is. In fact, I could almost start crying writing about crying! Lol!
Here is a good example of an emotional outburst.
We were watching a movie (Lars and the Real Girl) and I was laughing, and then I wasn’t. Jake looked at me like I had sprouted two heads (which I guess I will get a lot). The movie was excellent by the way, it really showed what true family love and neighborhood support is all about. Not a family movie really, but if you get the chance to have a movie night with the hubby, rent it. But, anyway, after the movie went off I cried for over an hour. I could not stop! Jake was supportive at first, and we were both kind of laughing about it. But I guess after about 30mins it became really funny to him, and not to funny to me. He started laughing again, and I got furious. So here I am sobbing and furious. Then I wasn’t even angry, I was just hurt that he would laugh. I knew at the time that it was ridiculous I feel that way. Then I felt really bad about it all and that made me cry even harder!
These emotions make me feel like I am going crazy! Lol! If you have any advise please give it!
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
So much has happened in so little a time!
April 4th-15th, 2008
I found out on the 4th that I am pregnant. I have never felt as scared as I did when I saw those 2 pink lines. It was like all the air in my lungs disappeared, and had no plans for returning. I’m not sure how many times I looked at the test, then the instructions, then the test, then the instructions, well you get the point. All I could do was stand there for a long time. I eventually ended up on the floor with my back against the tub. I am pretty sure I might have been rocking back and forth. I couldn’t even go tell Jake, who was in the computer room. Instead, I sent him a text. (Call me chicken if you want, but I don’t think my voice would have worked anyway.)
By the time I sent the text I had been in the bathroom for a long time. Or at least it seemed like a long time. Jake didn’t respond, he didn’t come in, nothing. So, I assumed that he didn’t get it. So, I called him. (Yes, I am still being chicken) He answered the phone “I got it.” This is the point that I started crying. He came into the bathroom a few minutes later. We sat and talked, with me mostly crying/sobbing. Something that I should point out about Jake is that he either has the perfect words, or the most imperfect words. Luckily, he had the perfect words at this time. He managed to calm me down and coax me out of the bathroom. I spent the rest of the evening laying on the bed in a daze. I took the second test on Saturday morning. It too showed 2 bright pink lines. Needless to say, the whole next week was a blur of hormones/emotions.
I had my first Midwife appointment this past Friday. I was so happy with her; she was so nice and supportive. Jake really liked her too, which to me was a big deal. She told us that everything seemed fine and scheduled us for an ultrasound.
We went yesterday and had out first U/S. It was so amazing to see! The technician was so nice and assuring. I am 5.5 weeks, and the baby looks good (6cm). Of course there isn’t much to see, it really looked like a fleck of pepper. But, just to see the heart beating made me feel a lot better. The FHR (fetal heart rate) was 113, which the tech said was good for 5 wks. I am not feeling as scared as I did. I’m more amazed now. We were able to get a picture, so I have one and Jake has one. I can’t seem to stop looking at it. The fact that this tiny being will one day be a full grown person is crazy!
Other than extreme fatigue and having morning sickness, I am fine. Granted, the sickness isn’t cool at all. The Dr. did put me on an anti-nausea diet, and for the most part it works well. But, I know that I will occasionally have mornings like this morning when I am jumping up and praying I make to the bathroom in time. :-) Fun times!
I found out on the 4th that I am pregnant. I have never felt as scared as I did when I saw those 2 pink lines. It was like all the air in my lungs disappeared, and had no plans for returning. I’m not sure how many times I looked at the test, then the instructions, then the test, then the instructions, well you get the point. All I could do was stand there for a long time. I eventually ended up on the floor with my back against the tub. I am pretty sure I might have been rocking back and forth. I couldn’t even go tell Jake, who was in the computer room. Instead, I sent him a text. (Call me chicken if you want, but I don’t think my voice would have worked anyway.)
By the time I sent the text I had been in the bathroom for a long time. Or at least it seemed like a long time. Jake didn’t respond, he didn’t come in, nothing. So, I assumed that he didn’t get it. So, I called him. (Yes, I am still being chicken) He answered the phone “I got it.” This is the point that I started crying. He came into the bathroom a few minutes later. We sat and talked, with me mostly crying/sobbing. Something that I should point out about Jake is that he either has the perfect words, or the most imperfect words. Luckily, he had the perfect words at this time. He managed to calm me down and coax me out of the bathroom. I spent the rest of the evening laying on the bed in a daze. I took the second test on Saturday morning. It too showed 2 bright pink lines. Needless to say, the whole next week was a blur of hormones/emotions.
I had my first Midwife appointment this past Friday. I was so happy with her; she was so nice and supportive. Jake really liked her too, which to me was a big deal. She told us that everything seemed fine and scheduled us for an ultrasound.
We went yesterday and had out first U/S. It was so amazing to see! The technician was so nice and assuring. I am 5.5 weeks, and the baby looks good (6cm). Of course there isn’t much to see, it really looked like a fleck of pepper. But, just to see the heart beating made me feel a lot better. The FHR (fetal heart rate) was 113, which the tech said was good for 5 wks. I am not feeling as scared as I did. I’m more amazed now. We were able to get a picture, so I have one and Jake has one. I can’t seem to stop looking at it. The fact that this tiny being will one day be a full grown person is crazy!
Other than extreme fatigue and having morning sickness, I am fine. Granted, the sickness isn’t cool at all. The Dr. did put me on an anti-nausea diet, and for the most part it works well. But, I know that I will occasionally have mornings like this morning when I am jumping up and praying I make to the bathroom in time. :-) Fun times!
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
I choose this...
I am tired. At 24 I realize that I am tired for a lot of reasons. Tired of being used, tired of being forgotten, tired of being the friend that is always there, and getting nothing in return. Not that there haven’t been good times. There have been great times. But I am at the place in my life where I need a friend who will not bail on me at the first sign of trouble. Someone who will support me no matter what. I have always been that friend, and I thought I would receive the same in return. I was wrong. But, that is ok. I had a conversation with such a friend recently. It concerned whether or not someone could be happy with someone else after 40 yrs. I argued that you could, and that I would be with Jake. They argued the opposite. Their reason was that things are harder now, and because of that it is impossible to truly be happy with someone else. I argued back saying that a person’s happiness is their responsibility. We choose to be happy, to not let things bog us down. We choose to work with our partners and respect each other. That life is only as hard as we make it. Her reply was that I am just an idealist.
It is such a sad existence that this person will lead the rest of their lives. At first I was really hurt by this same friend. But, I now realize that it is the best thing for me and my family. Being around someone that is consistently negative will adversely affect my household and me as a person. I choose not to live like this any longer. I choose to be happy. I CHOOSE THIS. At first I felt like I was being forced into a situation, which in return made me panic. Not anymore. I know we will be fine. We will survive. We always have. We have great family, and few real friends. I wish this friend the best in life. She is going to need it. Most people would not have been as accommodating as Jake and I have been. This has been a long time coming. I will miss her, I will always love her; I just can’t bend over backwards for her any longer.
So, in closing, if you are reading this:
Good luck in everything. I hope happiness finds you; that you recognize it, embrace it, and learn from it.
It is such a sad existence that this person will lead the rest of their lives. At first I was really hurt by this same friend. But, I now realize that it is the best thing for me and my family. Being around someone that is consistently negative will adversely affect my household and me as a person. I choose not to live like this any longer. I choose to be happy. I CHOOSE THIS. At first I felt like I was being forced into a situation, which in return made me panic. Not anymore. I know we will be fine. We will survive. We always have. We have great family, and few real friends. I wish this friend the best in life. She is going to need it. Most people would not have been as accommodating as Jake and I have been. This has been a long time coming. I will miss her, I will always love her; I just can’t bend over backwards for her any longer.
So, in closing, if you are reading this:
Good luck in everything. I hope happiness finds you; that you recognize it, embrace it, and learn from it.
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