Oh how I have missed writing! Our precious laptop decided to not keep a charge for long, and also the power cable is messing up, so I have been absent for various reasons. There are so many things to catch up on. As most of you know, we have a new addition to our family, as well as a tragic loss. Isn't it funny how sometimes these things are intertwined? In March of this year, my grandmother Anna, was admitted to the hospital. She had internal bleeding, including in her brain. At the same time, I started having what the midwife called "Prodromal" labor. Basically, I was in limbo between going into active labor and just being miserable. For two weeks things were up and down. My mamaw would get a little better, so would my labor. Then she would get worse, and so would I. The midwife kept telling me that something was holding me back, I was somehow keeping myself from going into labor. I didn't tell her about my grandmother. It was something that I didn't want to, couldn't, wrap my head around. I was scared. I was scared of a life with out her. I was heartbroken because I knew she wouldn't get to a part of my little girl's life. I was also scared that if/when she passed away, I would go into labor, and I wouldn't have my mother with me when I desperately needed her. (Yes, I'm one of those women that needs mommy when having a baby) All these thoughts and emotions were flowing through me and nothing I could say or do would fix the situation. See, I'm a fixer. I'm a control freak. Yet there was nothing about this situation that I could control. I couldn't control my grandmother's health. I couldn't control when or where I would go into labor. I couldn't control life. I had a few moments, not pretty moments, but the kind that include tears and anger and all out pity parties. Then, I said "heather, pull it together, suck it up." I think I had a small epiphany that day, because suddenly things seemed much clearer to me. I needed to let go of all the things I couldn't control and take charge of the things I could. 1) I had to let go and let God. Boy was this one a doozie. But, with Jake's support and love, I went to see my grandmother one last time. It was such a bitter sweet visit. She knew who we were and was so excited that we were there. She held Jake's hand for most of our visit, and when she wasn't, she was rubbing my belly. I fed her jello, and we joked about how it would stick to the spoon. After being there for about an hour, she started drifting in and out of conscientiousness. We finally decided it was time to go and let her sleep. We told her how much we loved her, but I never once said goodbye. I don't believe in goodbye. That is one thing that I was able to cling to, that blessed hope; my grandmother was unwavering in her faith in God and in her own salvation. As much as it hurt to see her that way, the knowledge that she would be healed and in no more pain was an awesome thought. 2)I had to learn to let It be Once I let go and let God, everything else just fell into place. I had a peace, an understanding. I had hope. Suddenly, everything that had shadowed and tormented me for weeks, stopped. I was no longer in fear. I knew that no matter what, things would work like they should. The fear of losing my grandmother was replaced with an almost excitement to think that she would be reunited with my grandfather(s). The sorrow that she would never get to hold MY baby girl was replaced with a sweet thought that she would get to meet all the babies that we never got to meet, or that we didn't get to see grow up. 3)Never underestimate God, and have no regrets. Mamaw was moved back to the nursing home, to her own room for her last days. Hospice was called in, and they made her comfortable. She lost her ability to communicate, and for the most part was in a coma. My mother was torn between being there, and being scared to leave me. (My contraction were getting incredibly strong but irregular at this point) I started feeling anxious again. Partly because I knew deep down I was getting ready to have my baby, and also because I had a huge regret. See, when Jake and I went to the hospital, it was my intention to tell mamaw our baby's name. But I waited to long during our visit, and she was incoherent when we left. I don't know why I waited. I think its probably one of those control things again... So, I decided to call my Aunt Elaine (the one who keeps secrets) and have her tell Mamaw the baby's name. (It was obviously a secret if you didn't figure that out by now) My family was all there with mamaw singing and praying with/for her. Aunt Elaine sent everyone out of the room, then she told her. When she did, Mamaw smiled. She heard her and understood. Even in a state that said she might not be able to understand, in a condition that incapacitated her, she was able to understand and communicate. A smile to me, is worth a million words. Mamaw wanted so badly to meet our baby. She loved all babies, but her grand-babies were her life. 4) Goodbye and Hello, Entertaining Angels Unaware... On Wednesday, March 14th, around 8pm I started having super contractions. The kind that make you want to stop breathing, contractions. (and maybe say a few choice words) Little did I know that at that moment my mamaw was slowly, but peacefully slipping from our grasp and into God's. I got a call around 8:30pm or so, and it was like everything suddenly started happening. I had a mission. Have a baby.

Life goes on...

This past weekend I was able to get away for a friends graduation. It was a much needed break, even though it was only a day and a half. However, all good things must come to an end, and on my way home Jake let me know that Ryan was sick. So, back to reality for me, and back to the Dr. for Ryan. Sunday and Monday he ran a fever all day. If the motrin wore off, it would spike to almost 102. Monday night his fever broke and we assumed that he probably had a viral infection, but decided we should take him the Dr anyway, just to make sure. An hour in the office and one throat swab later we were informed that he has strep throat. Not fun. So, then it was off to WONDERFUL wally world, where Ryan and I had to wait an hour and a half to get his medicine. For whatever reason, they had it in their system to not fill it until the next morning. So, that was adjusted to immediately. Then, they stopped filling it because someone thought they were out of it, but they didn’t page me to tell me this. They waited until I came back 45mins later (as I was instructed to do) to let me know there was a problem. As I am talking with the lady, it comes up on their screen that it was a mistake and they are going to finish filling it. (UGH!) I was told to come back in 10-15mins. Which I did, and it still wasn’t ready. Finally we got the meds and came home. It was a long afternoon and Ryan and I were both very tired and cranky. We ate supper and he went to bed. Then I treated myself to oreos and milk. J Talk about therapy! LOL! Things should start to get back to normal on Thursday. I can go back to work, and he can go back to preschool. Woohoo! I did need a break, but I hate that Ryan being sick was the cause of it. I’m just glad that he is getting better, and that we didn’t wait on the dr appt. Here’s to a better rest of the week, and a great weekend. (can’t wait to see you Leigh!)

One day at a time

Today was a much better day for me. I took control of several things that had been bugging me and as a result had a very productive day; I was able to lighten my work load for tomorrow by accomplishing several tasks today. :-)

Tonight, as soon as our little bedtime routine was finished, I gave Ryan a kiss and walked out. It only took about 10mins for him to fall asleep. He did get out of bed, but he didn't come out of his room. I am hoping that he will sleep well tonight. Last night he ended up sleeping with me because of the storms.

Those pesky molars are making his gums swell again, so I gave him some tylenol and also some allergy meds he needed. Maybe that will help him out. And now I remember that I forgot the anbesol...not good. Anyway, I am enjoying sitting on the couch in the dark, in the quite, typing.

I think that in some ways I am much like a child. I get overstimulated easily. Jake doesn't understand it. On the weekends, he will get up and turn on music first thing in the morning. Some mornings it drives me crazy! But, I try not to complain. He is a person that needs constant stimulation. (wow that sounds dirty! LOL!) Whether it be the ipod, the radio, the tv, or a movie, he has to have interaction. I, on the other hand, could go all day without any sound at all. To me it is wonderful to be in the quiet. I have enjoyed sitting on one of the sun porches at work lately for this very reason. I can crack the door to the outside, and listen to the wind chimes and the water fountain. Now that is awesome; Those are sounds I love. If I could find a CD of just those sounds, I would probably play it all the time!
Anyhow, In short, my day was good. Here's to a great tomorrow.

Life

For the past while, almost a year to be honest, I have been feeling very overwhelmed and on the verge of burning out. I've always been a slightly depressed person, with a tendency to be doom and gloom. I've tried really hard to change that aspect of my life, and for a few years (aka: at the beach) I thought I was able to work on it. I realize now that I wasn't really working on anything and simply redirecting my attention to other things and people.

Last year I lost a very dear friend and as a result everything that I had worked so hard to push down, started coming back to the surface. I have never lost anyone that meant so much to me. For months I cried myself to sleep. Even after I pulled it together and started to move on, I just wasn't the same. I realized in the past month that I am tired all the time,I don't want to do anything social, I am not happy, and as a result it has caused me to be really snippy with Jake, and even Ryan.

I have thought and thought about how I can fix this, how can I work on my life. I feel ridiculous. I have absolutely NO reason to be like this. There is no reason to feel like I do. Everything in our lives right now is good. We live in a decent house, in a half decent neighborhood. We both have good jobs. Our son is healthy and is in a great preschool. We've had some car issues, but who hasn't? We are paying down debt, all our bills get paid on time, and we have a little extra money for fun stuff. So, with all this in mind, I have decided to change a few small things and see if it helps.

Starting tonight, Ryan will be going to bed at 8 and by himself. Lately, he has been going to bed too late and I have been sitting in the room until he goes to sleep. This only allows me about 30mins to myself in the evening. I realize that I need some "ME" time. I need to unwind and just relax a little. Maybe by doing this I will go to bed a little earlier too...maybe.

I changed some eating habits, although you wouldn't know it from this past weekend! LOL
As a result I have lost weight, and feel better about myself physically at least.

I want to start exercising, if I can find the energy and motivation. (Its hard to do it alone...)

I also wanted to share this with my friends, because I know that you guys are my ultimate support group. We may not hang out, or talk on the phone, but I have always received solid advice and words of encouragement from you guys. (except that one stranger who sent me nasty comments about ultrasounds....)

Anyway....if you have any advice, please share! And, if you don't that is ok too.

I'm Back!

Someone recently mentioned that they missed reading my blog. :-) I explained that I have a new policy that if I have nothing nice to say, I don't say anything at all. (Or write) But, I think that I should start writing again because I do have positive things to say, and quite frankly, it will do me good. Writing has always been an outlet for me, and at one time I wrote everyday. Some times I would write a rant, sometimes I would write poetry, other times fiction. In truth, I have become lazy. It takes effort to write something intelligent, and after a long day at work I just want to sit on the couch and facebook while watching TV. In many ways that full blown addiction we call FB'ing, has ruined my creativity and has turned my brain to mush. Yet, I have it open right now in another tab so I can switch back and forth and make sure that no one has posted something new. Anyway, this isn't a rant blog...lol! This blog is simply to catch up. To let you know what has been going on in our lives for the past...oh lets just say year.
For those of you who keep up via different methods, you know that we moved back to Albemarle, and Jake was unemployed. Last May Jake did get a new job, not the best but a job none the less. He wasn't really happy with the job, and a month later he had a call back (for the second time) for another job. He took that job and has been very happy there ever since. It was HUGE relief for all of us. We were fortunate that he was only without a job for about 9mo. Many people have had to go much longer.
I am still working for my parents in the home. Each day holds a new challenge. I have taken on several new responsibilities in the past few months, and while it isn't always easy to get everything done it has been rewarding to see us accomplish our financial goals. I am still playing the piano for Ridgecrest Presbyterian (going on 1.5yrs), and am very happy there. We average around 25ppl each Sunday, and everyone is related. :-) It is great. I love how everyone gets along and works for a common goal.
Ryan turned 2yrs this past October, and he is so busy all the time. I think at least once a day that there is NO way he could get anymore wide open, but he proves me wrong every time! He is growing by leaps and bounds, and insists on trying to give me a heart attack at least once per day. His new favorite thing to do it jump. He thinks he is invincible, and gets hurt constantly. The poor kid takes after me in that category. His language gets better and clearer everyday. Although, I think I have learned his language because everyone asks me to interpret. He thinks that poop is the funniest thing ever and makes jokes about it. Grass is a delicacy and Hank is his best friend. He is ALL boy. :-)
Well, that about sums us up! Stay tuned, I am going to try to do an update at least once a week...

Strange Feelings...

Tonight Ryan is staying with my parents. This is the first time that he has ever been away from us all night. It is a really strange feeling. I'm not sure whether I should feel happy, because I am going to get good rest, or sad because I miss him so bad. I thought I was ready for this "big step." But, I had to fight tears all the way home! It was kind of a last minute decision, so I think that has contributed to my anxiety. It just doesn't seem normal for him not to be here playing and singing and talking. I'm glad I will see him tomorrow morning. :-) I know that this is a good thing, and will allow Jake and I to take the occasional weekend away in the future. Now, lets just hope that my parents are able put him to bed on time, so we don't have a problems for the next few days. I came home and got his blanket, pillow, teddy bear, PJ's, toothbrush, and story book. :-) He could have probably gone without any of those thing, but it made me feel better. I hope my parents know what they have signed up for! He is a VERY early riser. I warned them, but I don't think they really understand how early 6am is...

TP

Last night I realized that we were dangerously low on TP. So, I texted Jake, who was at his grandma's, to bring home a roll. Then I called him to make sure he got the text. Then, before I went to bed, I texted him again. Guess what people? This morning I get up, and there is NO TP in the house. Yeah. How can you forget when you are reminded 3 times???!!! Seriously???!!! UGH!

On a lighter note I had the funniest thought last night. I had just finished reading a book, and looked down an noticed that I was using TP as a book mark. :-) (You know you have done it too) Well, I thought, "I might better save that for later." LOL! Then I just started laughing on the couch. You know you are really pushing it with the TP when you are considering using the 2 squares of it you just used for a bookmark...

Marriage and Burnt Pancakes...

You may wonder why I chose to title this blog "Marriage and Burnt Pancakes" and how they are related. Well, let me start by telling you a little about my morning.

Today is our 5yr anniversary. And, in celebration of this milestone I decided to do something special for breakfast. I decided to cook pancakes, but not just any pancakes mind you. I wanted to make snowflake pancakes using a cookie cutter as my template. I made a big mistake though. I didn't get all of my tools together before starting to cook these special pancakes. As a result, the first two burned. My first thought was to just give up and not make pancakes at all. I promptly gave up the idea of making the special pancakes and decided instead to just made plain pancakes.
At first I was really upset, as I often am when I fail at something. I wanted something special and had to settle for just ordinary. Then as I was cooking I started thinking about marriage and how sometimes we burn our pancakes, metaphorically. I was thinking about how glad I was that even though we have had hard times in the past 5 years, Jake never gave up on me, or I on him. We didn't just throw out the ruined moments and give up. We didn't have all the tools we needed when we got married, but we somehow (not without help) managed to work through it and we now have a pretty good little pile of pancakes on our plate. They are ordinary, but they are good. Sometimes the special things aren't what we have materially, but are what we have without those things. So, thank you Jake for your unfailing love and dedication to me. Thank you Parents (on both sides) for being there with advice and help. Thank you friends for just lending an ear when needed. You are appreciated, and you are our very special marriage pancakes. :-)

9 Month Pics

Food....

I had a coupon for the new Angus 1/3lb'er from McD's. So, I went and got it. Not impressed. In fact, I really feel like I could be sick. Not only was it not tasty, it was extremely salty. My free drink and fries were good. I laughed at myself as I drove away, because when I saw the medium fries I got all excited! Lol! I NEVER get a medium fry. If I get them at all I always order the small off the dollar menu. Oh the things the excite me... It doesn't take much!

His eyes....

They say one thing. TROUBLE!!!

Sorry it is blurry, its a cell phone pic.

once again...

They have blocked facebook and myspace at work. So, I will probably get back to blogger more often. This isn't a bad thing I guess, but things get so slow here at work that it was nice to be able to see what the rest of the free world is up too.

Ryan stood on his own last night. I don't think he realized what he was doing, because as soon as he realized that he wasn't holding on to something he freaked out a little. :-) He had been standing up at his play table and I noticed that it was sliding on the hardwood floor. I went to move it, to aviod a headbang, and he continued standing. The look on his face was funny. It was like he couldn't figure out what was different. When he did figure it out, he made sure to grab my leg really fast. I'm giving him 3 weeks before he starts walking. (yes I know it is a random number)

Also, Leigh, what days will you be at the beach? I am off work the 10th-12th, so if you are here then, that would be cool! Let me know!

delcious

I found a new product that is wonderful! I can't wait to try the many different recipes they offer. So far I made Island Teriyaki Chicken in the crockpot. It was awesome. All I did was throw the chicken breast in the pot, added the island ter. sauce and a can of chunk pineapple. Let it cook on low for 5-6 hours, and whalah. Check out their site by clicking on my title. :-)

Ryan's first trip in the buggy....

He thought he was something else riding like a big boy! And, It was nice for me because I didn't have lug the carseat up and over the side of the buggy.

long over due!

Its official, almost all of our possessions are now in a 10x20 storage building. I am now basically living out of Rubbermaid containers. But, the good news is that it isn’t forever. One day in the not so distant future we will once again have dressers and a house of our own. Hopefully, we will have carpet too. Ryan doesn’t like the hardwood so much.

Ryan has his own room now, which I thought would be really hard for me, and is really adjusting well to it. (I am too)  I think the hardest part is getting up in the middle of the night to feed him. I can never decide if I should just take him to bed to nurse, or just use the rocking chair. He has gotten so big that it is difficult to sit comfortably and nurse him in it. His newest quirk is that he will be asleep, limp asleep, and as soon as I put him down, he wakes up. He will sit up and raise his arms for me to hold him again. At first I thought I would just leave him and let him work it out. But, that just isn’t going to happen. Most babies will stop crying after a while. Not Ryan. He proved this on a 3hr drive a while back. He cried and screamed the whole time. (Can we say stubborn?) Oh well, I really don’t mind rocking him back to sleep. It is the only time that I really get to cuddle with him anymore. He is constantly on the move. Another milestone/s for him is that he is crawling, pulling himself up, and is also saying Mama! I couldn’t believe that he is actually saying it. But, he is! We also think that he is trying to say Hank.

Hank doesn’t seem to mind the new place. Although, I know he misses the king size bed. We are now using a queen and there just isn’t room on it for all of us. And, since Jake refuses to sleep on the couch, it’s the floor for Hank! Lol! I put an old quilt on the floor, but I really need to get him a doggy bed. I think he would like it a lot more.

All in all, all is well. It’s a little cramped, but like I said before, it isn’t forever. I know that the months will fly by and I will wonder where they have gone.

The good part about everything is that I am now much closer to work. I only have a 10min drive! Woohoo! This is going to help out a lot with gas. I will also be able to go home and eat lunch. This will be much more comfortable than the break room, or my car.

Well, that is all I have to update on at the moment. So, until next time….

LOST: Some Like It Hoth

Caution! There may be spoilers.
Some like it Hoth:


1.We find out that Miles’s father is indeed the Dharma scientist video guy. (I can never remember his name…) Along with this information we see, through a window, that his father was nurturing when he was an infant. This leads me to think that there is another reason that he made Miles and his mother leave the Island; if he did indeed have anything to do with them leaving.

A question we were discussing at work just now is: Does Miles’s father recognize him?

2.Daniel shows up on the sub, and he recognizes Miles. Shouldn’t Daniel be coming to the island for the first time? Or is he a time traveler? Hmmmm….. But, that also brings to question how long has he been time traveling?

3.Richard Alpert. What is up with him? I read a theory that suggested that he was a time traveler and since you don’t age while you are back in time, they suggested that he had gone back a LONG time and was working his way to the future. Another theory that was thrown my way is the possibility that he is actually Aaron grown up. This theory is still in the making, but I think it holds a lot of potential. There is something special about the “Shepherd” men. First Jack, then Christian, and then possibly Aaron.

There are so many different outlooks to the many questions that LOST brings to mind. All I really know, is that if this whole thing turns out to be like the movie “Identity” I am going to be really pissed.

Pics

I know that most of you have seen these on Facebook, but I have a few people that only read this blog, so here they are!

BTW, Mr. Lonley (well not anymore!), it was sooo good to hear from you! I'm glad you are doing well!

Behind, or Ahead, heck I really don't know anymore!

I am so behind on blogging it isn't even funny. So, I have decided that I am not going to try and catch up on everything that is going on in my life. It seems like all we do is go in circles! Everything is going good with us right now, there hasn't been any drama really. Ryan is growing every day, and just gets more cute every time I look at him! He is really developing a personality, and yes he is going to be like his dad. :-) Watch out world! He is also very much a boy. He loves the word "gross" and "disgusting." And (not to be gross) every time he passes gas he laughs. These days he is a mama's boy, and is very clingy. Hopefully, he won't be clingy like I was. (it was seriously crippling at times.)
As for Jake, he is working on shooting a short film the end of April. We are very excited about it. It will be the first film that he has directed and wrote.

What about me you ask? :-) I am hanging in there. Breastfeed and returning to work is proving to be a HUGE challenge for me. Which in return is really stressing me out. I am pumping 5 times a day on top of actual nursing. I think the stress is making it difficult to pump what I need to pump volume wise. So, I have talked to Jake and we are going to consider supplementing one bottle a day so I can feel a little less pressure at work. Lord knows I am stressed out enough there as it is. (We are short staffed and I am getting the short end of that stick.) At first I was really upset at the idea, but then I reminded myself that he is still getting my milk for 6 other feedings. And, I also am trying to remind myself that a lot of preemie babies never get to BF and I should be thankful that he gets any at all.

So, in a nut shell, I have been extremely worried and beating myself up, all while trying to convince myself that its ok. Does bi-polar sound familiar? :-)

If you have any advice I would really appreciate it!

Catching up...

I haven’t blogged in quite a while. I felt like I needed to get myself under control before trying to write anything. I feel like my job has been choking the life out of me. I really hate it. Banking just isn’t a great career right now. As if the world isn’t a hard enough place to survive in, try being in the financial industry. I think I could be a little more optimistic if I didn’t see the downfall every day. Its different when you are right in the middle. Granted, my bank isn’t going through what a lot are, but it is still hard to survive. People clump banks together in their minds. Anyway, enough with my woe is me paragraph!
How many of you are ready for spring??? I am ready for winter to be a distant memory. We have had a taste of warm weather this past week and I am ready for a real serving! I can’t wait to be able to take Ryan out for walks in the jogging stroller on the beach. I want to soak in as much of it as I can before we move. We are still not sure when we will be moving, which is very annoying. I am a planner.
Ryan is growing so much! I can’t believe that he will be 5 months soon! Where has the time gone? He weighs 14 lbs, as of last Saturday. We just had a round of pink eye, luckily I didn’t get it. Poor Jake had an ear infection, pink eye, and strep throat. He is finally getting better. I had gotten used to him not talking, so night before last when I was trying to go to sleep, I thought he had taken a shot of caffeine because he wouldn’t shut up! Lol! I’m so glad he is feeling better. I missed our conversation times.

Well, that is about it for blogging today. I really don’t have anything else to catch you up on, for now!

new pics!

sorry its been awhile!